You’re an 18-year old male entering college, and you are told that there is a “rape epidemic” at universities nationwide. You hear that one in four women are sexually assaulted in their lifetime, and before you can fool around with the party girls at school, you must have the notion of consent drilled into your head. You walk into you library to study, and you see a monitor on the wall with a slide that talks about #MeToo. That night you go to a cultural event on campus and on the door to the auditorium, you see a poster that talks about consent. You decide to become a feminist, since after all, every woman you meet is all about it, and before you go to bed you add pronouns (he/him) to your Twitter bio. You don’t know any better because you never came across information that wasn’t prejudiced with feminist ideology.
Naturally, you begin to question statistics on sexual assault after studying the people at your school. You look at feminists and you see their short hair, colored hair, septum rings, pride flags, bisexual tendencies, and strange selfies on their Instagram. They binge drink at parties and then regret the entire night. “I’m never drinking again” they say, every time it happens. They hook up recklessly and you wonder how to participate in this fun without becoming a rapist. But the hard part is, if you question the beliefs of your feminist professors, who all likely hate Donald Trump, you will get a lot of hate.
Those professors are the same people leading the conversation on consent today. And it’s not designed to make sex more fun and more safe. Although the response to it makes sense, in that it’s like trying to put out a fire with a fire extinguisher, it doesn’t do due diligence in understanding the root of the issue. Young men with little sexual experience haven’t learned enough about women yet to understand what consent means and what it is. What I will share with you in this article will help you obtain consent in a much healthier, more natural, and effortless way that will make your interactions with the fairer sex smoother.
In this article I will explain what consent looks like in a sexual situation, as well as the best way to obtain it. I’ll cover non-verbal versus verbal consent and explain why the latter one is a problem. In a future post, I will discuss coercion and drunk sex and whether or not those count as rape.
Ultimately, this is a man’s job. It’s dangerous to get ideas about consent from women, and I’ve noticed that many women who took offense to my tweet peddled myths about rape and consent that are stifling interactions between men and women today. Let’s begin.
Consent is Not Like Tea
There is a popular video on consent on YouTube comparing sex to the act of drinking tea, as if the act is just as casual, and takes place in the kitchen (kitchen sex is fun, don’t get me wrong). Comparing sex to tea bastardizes the act and promotes hook up culture, an empty pursuit that does not empower anyone. It does this because sex is more than a transactional exchange between two people. Sex is sacred and intimate. Modern day feminists may be lacking that intimacy in their lives, as they promote pornography, create pornography, and do not think it is wrong to have many sexual partners as a woman. They even talk about it openly now, as I saw in many tweets responding to me. Perhaps this choice explains why they end up miserable with cats in old age. Unfortunately men cannot be replaced with vibrators and lesbians after all, as women’s overall happiness has been declining for decades.
Unfortunately, an animated video might be fun to watch, but does it cover the issue adequately? “Woah… this makes sense” you might think. People nod their heads. “Oh yes, if she doesn’t want the tea, don’t give it to her! She might have said yes at first, but then she changed her mind! No means no guys!”
Sex is a little bit more nuanced than offering a guest a cup of tea. Although the concept of giving and receiving is the same, the intimacy of sex and the dance of romance is lost in this analogy. Although understanding how to read social situations and body language is just as important when offering someone a cup of tea as it is on a date where you’re interested in having sex with her, pursuing someone with the aim of having sex doesn’t involve a single question. It’s a continuous conversation that is both verbal and non-verbal. And lastly, sex is the finale. After a man obtains it, he is done. All the conversation before the date—it was all just a race to get to that finish line, for most men in hook up situations. Tea on the other hand would happen in the beginning. To understand consent, we need to paint a different scenario than something as casual as drinking tea.
What Consent Really Is
Consent is a clear indication that the woman you’re with (this article is directed to straight men) is ready to proceed with penetration, either of fingers, objects, and your penis, in her vagina or anus (or mouth for oral sex with your penis). You don’t need consent to touch a woman’s hand. You don’t need consent to take off a woman’s bra, and it is not rape to do so. However, only an experienced man knows when she secretly has consented to you touching her hand, or even her chest, well before you do it, and then further, any part of her body. An experienced man knows when she is begging for you to touch her. When you understand what I will teach you, you will be able to read her body language correctly and not fear rejection (with most women you’ll meet).
Just to be clear, this is the definition of non-consensual sex, or rape, from the United States Department of Justice:
The penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim.Source: Department of Justice
Consent isn’t a single act. Consent comes from the process of mating, which we may describe as a dance. It could begin with eye contact. It could begin with that suit you’re wearing and the way you walk. It could begin with knowledge that you’re a hot stud and all the girls love you. It could begin with a “hey, what are you reading?” at a cafe. There is no singular event called “consent” that must be obtained as if it is a cup of tea in the process of obtaining consensual sex.*
*See clarification article about tweet.
Consent isn’t always verbal either. It can be, but from my personal experience, feminine women don’t want you to ask before you take off her bra, take off her pants, take off her panties, and then penetrate. They want you to take the lead and they will let you know if they are comfortable. It seems that only masculinized, controlling women (feminists) want continuous consent from you at every step of the way.
When you increase your desirability as a man, and then sell that desirability to women you meet, you eliminate the need for a clear, verbal agreement of consent before penetration. She is so turned on by you, you know she’s down. You’re on top of her, and her legs are spread apart. She’s not tense, nervous or unclear. She’s ready, and her body language clearly shows that.
Maybe you plan to use a condom and put one on already, and she didn’t protest. In fact, a great way to obtain consent is to simply pull that condom out from under your pillow. She has two choices now. She can either let you do it, or tell you that she isn’t going to have sex with you.
And what if she says no? Well, as all men know, a no can turn into a consensual yes very quickly.
How? By obtaining consent. I know what feminists are thinking: “But she said no! SHE DID NOT CONSENT YOU F****G RAPIST GO CUT YOUR DICK OFF NOW!”
This is exactly why we cannot assume these noes and yeses are verbal. I don’t even know if the “no” this man described was resistance to him taking off her pants or if it was a verbal no before the act of penetration. We should be careful to interpret words based on our own fears.
For example, what if the “no” this man talks about was him trying to unbutton her pants? Maybe they were making out and her shirt was already off when he decided to bring his hand to the button on her jeans and proceed to unbutton it. This act alone could be a way for him to ask her if she is OK with it. He isn’t taking it off just yet. He’s just seeing how receptive she is.
She says no at first and rejects his advances, but then, as his delicate lips and caresses heat her up, she realizes that she wants to be naked in front of him. She doesn’t realize that this was actually his plan… to turn her on and plant seeds of sex in her mind until she could not resist and became weak for him. Minutes later, she is naked and completely willing to have sex. This is likely what the man is describing. And that’s why smart women don’t even let him kiss her too soon. It’s why women should have strong boundaries in place when they go on dates if they want more commitment before having sex with a partner.
Everything I just described is called “body language,” and as a popular website (Consent Is Everything) that feminists have shared with me has stated, consent can indeed be determined by body language alone.
However, the language this website uses advocates for controlling men’s actions in an unhealthy way; they state that we need to obtain consent before initiating every type of sexual activity.
Just like “no” and “yes,” what does “checking” look like? Is it asking her questions? They clarify that here.
Although this website has a feminist slant, due to the fact that the first thing you see on their homepage is the “Tea and Consent” video, they don’t agree that you only need verbal consent before proceeding with sex. Body language is enough. You can ask her verbally if things are OK before initiating sexual activity if you want, but you can also just look and sense things. The problem with suggesting we “look” however is that draws our attention to visual capabilities.
Our perceptive abilities include far more than looking with our eyes. We can listen to how she breathes as she gets aroused, or notice what she does with her hands, or notice how she reacts when you put your hands on her body. All of this is included in “look,” but they do a poor job at explaining this. It’s why animated videos and bullet points don’t do this conversation due justice. No where is it stated that you are required to have both verbal consent and non-verbal consent via body language to not be a rapist, but some women believe that you do. That’s why it’s important for men to teach men about how not to rape rather than women, as we are the ones tasked with obtaining consent.
The truth is you just need either verbal or non-verbal consent. Her open body language and affirmative verbal consent are both forms of consent to sexual activity. This is crucial to understand, because it’s harmful for men to think that they must obtain verbal consent before having sex, and if they fail to do that, they become rapists.
Of course, consent can be revoked at any time. So she may verbally say yes but her body language might not match. Or vice versa. That’s why it’s important to make an appropriate judgment. However, from my knowledge, a woman can’t consent verbally but then show a lack of consent with body language and then charge you with rape. That would involve her saying yes but then pushing you off constantly while still saying yes. On the converse, she could say no, but then clearly show you that she is consenting with her body language and has no interest in stopping you—to my knowledge that isn’t rape either. If it was, women could get away with claiming rape despite showing consent.
The trauma associated with being falsely accused of rape is tremendous. And men shouldn’t have to live in constant fear that they will become a college rapist; therefore, we need to be very clear about what consent is. The conversation on consent should encourage fun sexual behavior from men, rather than stifled sexual behavior designed to keep women as safe as possible to the point where it’s unnecessary. And unfortunately, #MeToo hysteria has incited fear. Men have told me they would be “rapey” for even approaching a woman to start a conversation with her.
Women are just as responsible for creating a fun and safe environment for flirtation and sexual activity. Although men are ultimately responsible for obtaining consent, women are responsible for being tolerable, good people and heal any traumas they have from following toxic feminist ideology. If women feel that “men are trash” and hold misandric views, men will feel that they cannot do anything right. They’ll give up, and that is indeed what is happening today more commonly.
Lastly, it’s important to note that a woman’s words and actions aren’t always consistent. That’s why sometimes, especially if you just met the person or are getting intimate for the first time, double-checking with her a few extra times can help. Only a very desirable man doesn’t have to do this because women consented before even interacting with him and he knows that.
This website concludes that a clear “yes” indicates consent. But they fail to describe a clear yes using only body language. Instead, they point out in the first two bullets above that certain types of body language indicate a no. Why don’t they make the effort to describe affirmative body language as they describe affirmative verbal consent? By failing to do this, many are under the impression that verbal consent is only way you can correctly obtain consent. Like this woman.
This is not true. If women in large numbers actually believe this, it begs the question: how many women falsely accuse men of rape because they do not understand consent?
How to Check If She’s Consenting Before Every Sexual Activity
What if she’s a bit uncomfortable towards your advances? What do you do? Manhandle her? Just go for it? That”s rapey” and “predatory” right? And what types of activities are included in “sexual activity?” Does reaching for her hand for the very first time count? I think most people would say that this is a non-sexual activity. But I disagree. It is part of the mating process, and as long as you are a man and she is a woman, she understands your intention when you hold her hand for the first time.
For some kinds of “sexual activities” consent is not needed and a man needs to have the confidence to just go for it. That confidence alone is a turn on and can make obtaining consent to sex much easier, because she will be more aroused. If he verbally checks in with her before holding her hand, playing with her hair, kissing her, playing with her breasts, taking off her shirt, and so on, it could take away from her pleasure and make the act of mating overly logical. But, when he understands how to be desirable, he can unlock her consent more quickly and readily. He knows due to her body language that she is choosing to get intimate with him.
Let’s take kissing for example.
You’re sitting on the couch, leaning back, your arm resting on top of the couch, very close to her shoulders. She is facing you, looking at you and having a great time. She’s a little nervous because she’s excited by your presence and happy to be there but also anticipating that kiss. You charm her with your smile and your conversational skills, without even trying, but just by being yourself. You have a strong feeling she will accept the kiss once you lean in.
You want to wait for a natural pause in the conversation—a moment of opportunity. Making that key move in the middle of a serious conversation doesn’t feel right. Of course, it could work, especially if you know she does want it. If you cannot resist any more and are tormented enough, you might just go for it. But now, the conversation is getting too stale and logical. “Steer away, steer away!” you think to yourself. After the conversation is more relaxed again, you move a little closer to her. You don’t lean in yet. But by moving closer, she knows what you’re thinking and has an opportunity to tell you “no” with her body language.
You could also just lean in, without taking that additional step. I’m personally more of a tease. I know when she’s ready and want to make her wait a few extra precious moments. I want her to go crazy. But many guys might be afraid that if they take too many steps along the way she will lose interest. I was like that in my younger years, where I was a bit nervous in the bedroom, to the point where I had difficulties feeling sexually aroused (too much porn could have been one cause). So the more steps I took, the more I risked getting in my head and being unable to perform. Yes gentlemen, it’s important to be relaxed to get fully aroused.
Back to kissing. Checking on her before beginning this sexual activity is unsound advice, just like how I explained before, thinking of consent as a one-time question is also unrealistic. It’s the dance that informs consent. It may take years for a young man to understand her signals and read her body language appropriately. That’s why, to be safe, you should follow some practical tips and I would recommend listening to feminists about consent until you advance your knowledge to the point where even they cannot understand what level you are on.It's the dance that informs consent. Click To Tweet
These practical tips can be boiled down to a few reminders:
- Take your time
- Don’t be desperate for sex
- Focus on having a good time; if she’s not having a good time, you won’t have as much of a good time either
A lot of men want to rush into sex because they are desperate for that lay. Maybe they watch pornography and want their sex life to emulate what they masturbate to. Maybe they hear about what other women are doing and feel envious—they want a slice of that pie. Or maybe they just have a high sex drive and enjoy hooking up. Whatever the case, they may make moves quick and think that being physical will get her more turned on and receptive. This is true sometimes but a lot of young men do not know how to read situations well yet. So it’s best to use discretion. Kissing women you barely know right away could lead to some quick cheap sex, the thrill of which will tempt you, but taking your time and letting her chase is far more exciting and you don’t have to put so much pressure on yourself.
Just know that there are some kinds of actions that are more acceptable to do without her consent than others, like touching her lower back to lead her somewhere, or playing with her hands a bit as you talk to her more. Don’t be afraid to make those moves. But with kissing and beyond, you need to learn body language. Men who just go for it are guys who get in trouble, not just because they were too quick, but because the woman wasn’t warmed up and simply isn’t as excited as you are. She may never be and you have to be cool with that and move on.
So slow down, and ask her if she’s OK if you’re unsure about her body language. For men in their formative years, this step gives them crucial feedback. It’s like training wheels, and with time, you can take them off and will have a clearer more intuitive understanding of her consent.
This is especially important when it’s with someone you just met. A lot of people enjoy quick casual hook ups but regret them later. Your life won’t improve any more from getting this lay so don’t rush it.
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